The All-Inclusive Guide to Not Driving Like an Idiot

If there is one thing that drives me absolutely crazy, it’s idiot drivers. They ruin everything. They slow down my commute, they cause accidents and they almost kill me a few times a week. Do us all a favor, read this guide and stop driving like an idiot. Oh, and once you have – send this to all your friends so they’ll stop driving like idiots too. Thanks!

Put Your God Damned Phone Down

Look, I get it. You’re busy. You think that by multitasking while you drive, you’ll get some extra time back in you day. Well I’ve got news for you: you can’t fucking do it! You can’t. As much as you try, you end up slowing down, changing lanes without looking and you almost hit every person and car around you. Like Ellen DeGeneres said, “If it requires your eyes, feet and hands to do something, it’s generally a good idea to include your brain in on it too.” If you still have to be on the phone, at least get a Bluetooth so you’ll be slightly more aware.

Stop Being a Dick and Let Me Over

Do you really think that by not letting me merge onto the highway you are somehow saving yourself hours in your commute? When one of the lanes is suddenly closed, would it really kill you to allow me to merge into your lane? Why do you have to be such a dick and think that I am not worthy of merging into traffic? Do us all a favor, quit being a douche-bag and allow the person to merge into your lane. It will speed traffic up, cause fewer accidents and you won’t get the bird as often.

Look Away From the Light

I know flashy red and blue lights are distracting, but when they have someone pulled over or there is an accident, you don’t need to slow 40-50 mph below the speed limit just so you can see what happened. All you are doing is causing unnecessary roadblocks that may very well be preventing emergency services from doing their job. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely think you should slow down to show some caution, but not to the point where you get a good 10-15 second look at the fender bender on the side of the road!

No More Texas Exits

A Texas exit is when you are in the passing lane of a 2+ lane highway and you decide you want to exit just as the exit approaches. Even if you were in the regular lane this is an idiot move. Texas drivers routinely cross multiple lanes of traffic at the last second to barely make an exit. Either pay attention to what you are doing or take the next exit, turn around and get where you need to go the safe way. I should my life be threatened because you are an idiot and weren’t paying attention.

At Least Go the Speed Limit

I have no idea why you feel the need to go 10mph under the speed limit. Maybe you hate your family and don’t want to go home. Maybe you just don’t care how long it takes you to get somewhere. I don’t know. What I do know is, I don’t give a shit so at least drive the fucking speed limit! I do have some place to be, and I do want to get there before the next Presidential election. So quit being such a selfish prick and speed up!

For the Love of God, Use Your Turn Signal

I know it takes a ton of effort to flip your blinker on, and I don’t want to strain you, but believe or not – I’m not clairvoyant. I have no idea that you are about to turn into that gas station and it is ok for me to turn onto the main highway. I have no idea that in the next 10 yards you plan to turn. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it: you don’t need to come to a complete STOP in order to turn. If you’re going to turn, then TURN! Is it really that hard? That’s what she said.

I have about 10 more things you can do to stop driving like an idiot, but I worry that if I tell you them all now, nothing will change. Take these six pieces of advice and do the world a favor: follow them. In the words of the great George Carlin: Anyone who drives slower than me is an idiot, and anyone who drives faster than me is a maniac. Truer words have never been spoken.

Tagged as: Advice, cars, driving, Rants