The Maruchan Candidate
When the Supreme Court ruled that there would be no restrictions on political campaign contributions from corporations, unions, special interest groups, and well…whoever else wants to get into a candidate’s pockets for that matter, free enterprise reached new legal heights in this country. Today you can buy your own candidate.
Just when you thought laissez faire capitalism was under the gun, and campaign reform might be around the corner, the Supreme Court hits us with a curve that would make Tim Lincecum jealous (bad baseball jokes, anyone?).
So if you wanted campaign reform? Well, you got it. All jokes aside, if this ruling stands, the game has completely changed in Washington.
The backlash has been stiff, and in a dramatic change of pace, both parties have been somewhat united in their criticism. Yes, in a time when partisanship is at an all time high and disagreement across party lines has verged on Parliament-style fisticuffs at times, it seems that for the most part the parties get along in opposition to this one. Those in Washington who seem to like the outcome of the ruling have generally stayed quietly in the background.
A recent ABC News / Washington Post poll might suggest why. The decision, it turns out, is massively unpopular in the general public. More than 80% of Americans said they oppose the Supreme Court decision. That kind of number is almost unheard of in a political poll.
But I’m not here to pick sides. No, I’m just here to make observations. Just here to look across the political landscape and paint you a picture.
A very likely scenario that could play out in coming elections is that certain candidates will end up with primary funding sources—be they corporations, unions, or special interest groups—that will essentially bankroll their campaigns. Allow me to artfully construct some of the possibilities:
The Political Pipeline Candidate, R-WY
Primary campaign contributor: Exxon
Campaign credit line: $365.5 million
About the candidate:
The Political Pipeline Candidate grew up in Alaska. Over the course of his life, he invested his profits from the Alaska Permanent Fund in high-risk oil speculations that eventually amassed him a fortune. He is an uncompromising man. He now owns a ranch in Wyoming and has invested heavily in the state’s blossoming natural gas industry.
He signed with Exxon for the 2010 Senatorial election, on a staunch conservative platform. The record-breaking contract included a stunning million dollars for every day of the election year, with an extra half-million dollar signing bonus thrown in for travel expenses. Early reports suggested that the company added the half million to avoid ‘non-monetary campaign donation’ violations which could have resulted if they would have simply provided him with trips on corporate jets. Other stipulations of the contract include a clause which states that for the duration of the campaign he must keep a well-trimmed handlebar mustache, mandatory photo ops with Daniel Day-Lewis, and a bonus if he wins requiring T. Boone Pickens to build a stadium for the acceptance speech.
The Red White and Green Candidate, D-OR
Primary campaign contributor: Siemens
Campaign credit line: $97 million
About the candidate:
With a stump slogan like “It’s not easy being green, but we’re not going green because it’s easy,” this candidate’s intentions are clear. Born and raised in Portland, OR, she comes to the table with big plans for energy reform, sustainability, and green technology.
Once marginalized as a single-issue candidate, she received a huge boost when she was granted a nearly $100 million endorsement from Siemens, the modern industrial behemoth, looking to capitalize on growing demand for green energy. With over $1 billion invested in green energy and smart grid technologies, Siemens jumped on board with the Oregon Congresswoman, calling the partnership “a symbiotic relationship” in which Siemens could establish itself as a major player in the green energy sector with a political face in Washington, and the Democrat from Oregon could assert herself as a serious political contender with the kind of financial backing that no previous “green” candidate has been able to muster from the relatively small startup companies that dominate the green energy marketplace.
Already the move has created controversy in the environmental community, as spontaneous protests have formed outside of Siemens’ oil and gas plants around the country. When asked to comment on how this outcry could affect her campaign, she said: “Who would have thought environmental groups could be so difficult to please?”
The Maruchan Candidate, L-OH
Primary campaign contributor: Maruchan
Campaign credit line: $33,500
About the Candidate:
Not to be confused with “The Manchurian Candidate,” the 1960’s film about a brainwashed assassin, this fiscally frugal candidate is breaking ground and making waves in the two-party system. The new realities of corporate campaign sponsorship presented deep philosophical dilemmas for this newcomer on the political scene. For this Libertarian from Akron, OH, running on a party platform that preaches “Smaller government, lower taxes, more freedom,” the new political realities presented a potential slippery slope of conflicted interests.
He hit the political scene with a message of strict conservative fiscal policy. And from the gun, his eyes have been set on the Representative seat for the 13th Congressional District of Ohio. After much deliberation with his staff about whether to take any sort of major corporate campaign sponsorship, they decided to reach out to companies that represented the kind of economic responsibility that he was campaigning for.
“To be honest, we didn’t exactly have companies knocking down our door to contribute,” he said. “So we decided to reach out, and when Maruchan came back with their offer, everyone was excited. I feel like it really speaks to our college base.” The ramen noodle company chipped in just a fraction of what some of the major corporate giants have put forward—a fact that hardly concerns this eager young politician. “We are Libertarians, and someone gave us money! We’ll take what we can get, and you watch, we’ll make it stretch.” And ironically enough, we are actually watching.
God bless America. Or what’s left of it, anyway.
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