Director: Shane Carruth
Starring: Shane Carruth, David Sullivan
Running Time: 77 Minutes
How I Found It: Independent Film Channel
Released: May 2005
Josh’s Rating: 9/10 or 1/10 (will be explained later)***

“I can tell you with certainty what I did that night, when it was my turn, but I think it would do little good. Because what the world remembers, the actuality, the last revision, is what counts, apparently. Slowly and methodically, we reverse-engineered a perfect moment. We took from our surroundings what was needed…and made of it something more.”

Working from their garage, Aaron and Abe are two engineers working on a machine that will make them rich. The original idea was to create an anti-gravity device, but after tweaking a few settings, they create something they don’t fully understand, when they accidentally discover a form of time travel. Leave an object in the box, and it will experience over 1000 times the amount of time that it was inside, looping over and over again from the time the machine was turned on until the time it is turned off.

But what if the object in the box was smart and could exit when the loop was back at the beginning? Using mathematical equations, the two men figure out the exact entrance and exit points and decide to climb in and see what happens. At first, they only travel from the evening to the morning, and manipulate the stock market. They then decide to get adventurous with their trips, manipulating their “doubles” and trying to change events in the past to affect their futures. In the end, we’re not sure how many times each man traveled into the past, what the normal timeline should look like, or even if these men are themselves or their doubles.

You’re going to feel like an outsider watching this movie. Filled with technical jargon, the characters are a lot smarter than you and I and tend to talk fast with big words and interrupt each other frequently. It can get a little frustrating at times, but that’s the point. Even these geniuses don’t fully understand what they’ve created: “Look, I’m not going to pretend I know anything about paradoxes, or what follows them. It must work itself out, somehow. I can imagine now way in which this thing could be considered anywhere remotely close to safe. All I know is I spent six hours in there and I’m still alive…You still want to do it?”

Shane Carruth is a mathematician and former engineer who completed this movie on a $7,000 budget. Most of the film was shot in his garage, and his actors were mostly family and friends. He played the part of Aaron because he couldn’t find someone who could play the part and make the technical dialogue sound authentic.

***Primer is not for everyone. If you’re looking for a rainy Sunday afternoon movie to relax with, pick something else. If you’re looking for a fun Friday night flick to watch with your friends, pick something else. If you’re looking for a thought-provoking, discussion-invoking mind-f**k of a film – this is the one for you.

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Independent Movie Review: Primer

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When the first installment of BioShock was released in 2007, I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting into when I picked it up. The hype for the game was impressive, and since I am a huge fan of forward-thinking first person shooters (FPS), I had reserved a copy.

The concept seemed cool: Your character, surviving a plane crash, drifts upon a mysterious entrance to Rapture, an underwater city founded in the 1960’s to escape the status quo of societal norms. The city recruited the brightest scientific minds of the day to experiment freely within its walls. But soon you find the darker side of this dystopian society.

Everything about the game was phenomenal. From a pure game-play standpoint, it was almost a new class of game altogether. It blended the role playing game (RPG) and FPS genres seamlessly to the point that you weren’t even sure which you were playing, but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that you couldn’t stop playing. The new open world format for the shooter gave players the choice to explore freely and tackle objectives as they chose. The game was also open-ended, a characteristic you would find in all good RPGs, allowing the choices that the player makes throughout the game to have a direct impact on how it all ends.

Graphically, the game was innovative in its use of nostalgic realism, and the use of water and color throughout the game was impressive. I was sucked in from the first hour, and in terms of total game-play hours, it was far from a let down. There’s nothing more disappointing than a great game that sucks you in just in time to realize that you’ve beaten it in a week. BioShock didn’t disappoint. Boasting an average game-play time that nearly doubles some other notable titles, it seemed this game had found a winning formula of exploration, strategy, and action.

The result was a game with a deep immersive story that you really felt a part of as the player (as you’ll find in any RPG worth its salt), while never for a moment loosing the intense action of a good FPS. Even the mood and feel of the game were impressive: scary at points and dark in tone, but not restricted to the ‘horror game’ niche. Aesthetically the game carries a retro feel—accomplished in character costumes, setting, and sound—while remaining somewhat futuristically themed. All things considered, the bar had been raised. BioShock was named “Game of the Year” by IGN, and in past game reviews I have even humbly dubbed it “the best game ever created.”

So with all the success of the first title, the release of BioShock 2 in February 2010 was much anticipated. There was good reason to expect good things from this game. Forums had been buzzing about it for some time. The developers, 2k Games, had remained extremely tight-lipped about the details of the sequel which made the scene ripe for speculation. I saw rumors that the new game would be set in New York. False. A host of other rumors online turned out to be false as well.

So, could they really top their first effort? I hate to say it, but, no.

Let me start by saying this: I’m not disappointed because it’s not a good game—or even because it’s that much worse than the first one. It is a good game, but I guess what is frustrating is that it’s exactly the same game as the first.

Sure, your character is different, and there are plenty of storyline changes. There are some new allies and new enemies. You spend some time outside the walls of Rapture underwater. There are some new plot twists and revelations. But the bulk of the sequel is almost exactly the same as the first.

Same abilities, same basic weapons, same ammos—O.K., redundant but forgivable—but same levels? Now basically we just have the same game. I wasn’t necessarily surprised when I saw that the game returned you to Rapture, the same underwater city setting as the first game. The setting was part of the allure of the first title. It was part of what made the game unique. But I was surprised when I started playing and instantly recognized that at least portions of levels were exactly as they appeared in the original. The whole thing comes off as (forgive me) lazy. There could have been more new areas of the city that we never got to explore in the first game. There could have been new abilities and weaponry that we never got to unleash. They are few and far between.

The designers did address the one major gap in the original by including an online multi-player mode in BioShock 2. The one knock (and I do mean one) on the original was that you couldn’t play it online at all. No co-op, no multiplayer, no nothing. It was strictly a single player story game, and nowadays that alone can make a title seem dated.

A sequel should carry the same feel as the original. The tone and mood should carry through seamlessly from one title to the next. But the challenge in creating any sequel, regardless of the medium, is how to keep it fresh. The problem with BioShock 2 is that it ignores this fundamental question. The sequel should be a close cousin of the original, not an identical twin, not a ‘dolly the sheep.’ In this case, I feel like they slapped a new cover on a game I’d already played and charged me full price for it again.

The shame here is that BioShock was a game-changer. It was a game that changed the gold standard for all great shooters—that gave game designers a new way to think about what a good shooter should be. The shame is that the sequel to the game that changed so much, changed almost nothing. The sequel to the most forward-thinking game I’d ever played, failed to even take one step away from the original. The problem is not that the sequel isn’t a good game, but that’s because it is virtually the same game. Period. It’s too much of exactly the same good thing.

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BioShock 2: Too Much of a Good Thing

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Shakira is hot. Ridiculously hot. There, I got that out of the way. I think she’s very cool too. She spent a semester taking classes at UCLA in disguise so she wouldn’t be treated differently by professors and other students. It’s refreshing to see a celebrity act like a normal person. But when it comes to her song She Wolf…Let’s skip the preamble and get right into the lyrics, shall we?

I’ll start with the chorus:

- “There’s a she wolf in your closet, Open up and set her free. There’s a she wolf in your closet, Let it out so it can breathe.”

I actually like the chorus to this song, because it makes sense. Unless she’s being literal here, and there is an actual wolf locked in her closet. Then it’s animal abuse. But most likely she’s speaking of the primal part of her that she keeps trapped inside and she wishes she could just go crazy sometimes. In a Rolling Stone interview, Shakira had this to say about her song: “‘She Wolf’ came to me very mysteriously. I was in the studio in a bad mood that day, then I got inspired and went to a corner and I wrote the lyrics and the melody in 10 minutes. The image of the she wolf just came to my head, and when I least expected it, I was howling and panting.”

Now I can’t get the image of Shakira howling and panting out of my head. Great. But I’ll force myself to continue. I don’t think she’s telling the truth about writing it in 10 minutes, and here is why:

- “A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me, Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy”

Lycanthropy?? Shakira scores points here for excellent use of a thesaurus and a clever use of a 4-sylable word, but who thinks of Lycanthropy off the top of their head? For anyone who doesn’t have a dictionary laying around or who isn’t a huge nerd, Lycanthropy is the ability of a human to undergo transformation into a wolf. Somehow, I don’t think Shakira, whose first language is Spanish, would have learned that in her English classes.

- “I’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office”

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner for Worst Metaphor Found In A Song. Moving on…

- “To locate the single men, I got on me a special radar”

I appreciate Shakira’s morality in this statement. She’s not gonna be a home-wrecker. She wants to find a single guy, not a married one. Good for you Shakira, because I’m sure there are about a million married guys who would swallow their wedding rings for a chance with you. But really, a radar to locate single men? And a SPECIAL radar at that?? Wow…

- “And the Fire Department Hotline in case I get in trouble later”

Good for you, Shakira, for being responsible. But then in the same Rolling Stone interview, she says:

- “‘It’s like a more animalistic side of you, a more primitive side … an animal person in a way, So when you understand these things you forgive yourself every time you screw up, you say, It wasn’t me, that was the she wolf … that was the animal in me, that wasn’t me, I have nothing to do with that”.

So while Shakira might be responsible enough to keep the fire department on notice in case things get too crazy, she has absolutely no accountability for her actions.

If you ask me, this song adds up to one very long visit to prison or the psych ward. Try telling a cop, “It wasn’t me, it was the wolf inside me!” I don’t care how hot you are. Maybe you’ll try howling and panting too. But in the end, you’re gonna end up in a straightjacket.

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The Worst Song I’ve Ever Heard…So Far: Shakira – She Wolf

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Director: Chris Gorak
Starring: Rory Cochrane and Mary McCormack
Running Time: 95 Minutes
How I Found It: On-Demand
Released: September 2006
Josh’s Rating: 8/10

“We interrupt your regular programming for a KDHP emergency news brief. This is Neil Simmons reporting from KDHP’s Pasadena studios. Multiple explosive devices were detonated simultaneously across downtown LA moments ago.”

Those were the words that came over the radio hours after Brad kissed his wife, Lexi, goodbye as she left for work that morning. He runs outside and sees smoke pouring out of the city. He gets in his car, desperate to find his wife, but is stopped by road blocks and trigger-happy police officers.

The news reports advise everyone to stay in their homes and to seal all windows and doors with plastic. The bombs contained biological and chemical elements that are extremely dangerous if inhaled. As ash started to fall from the sky, Brad had to make the hard decision to close himself off from the outside world. But the real decision comes when Lexi returns to the house the next day. Does he let her in, and risk contaminating his environment? Or leave her outside to die alone?

Right At Your Door will grip you from the moment it begins. From the desperation we see in Brad trying to find his wife, to the chaos that ensues from the terror attack, there is no calm until Brad seals himself in the house with his neighbor’s gardener. When his wife returns, we see the anguish in the decision Brad makes to leave her in the dangerous elements outside.

It’s not until they are separated by a sheet of plastic that these two people really get to know each other. In what seems like Lexi’s final hours or days alive, they connect on a deeper level than they ever had while trying to avoid the military patrols whose intentions are unknown. In the end, we find out who used their time wisest.

This movie will appeal to any movie fan, not only independent film lovers. It won the Cinematography Award at the Sundance Film Festival in 2006 and was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize.

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Each week, the bartenders will be asked a very vague and general question about a random topic. We’d all like to THINK we’re experts on everything, but the fact is we’re all a bunch of normal people with our own opinions. If you don’t like our answers, let us know in the comment section.

Bartender: Joshy C.
Born in: 1984
Movie: Back to the Future
Released in: 1985

“Why don’t you make like a tree, and get the hell out of here.” While this movie is probably not meant to be watched by the too young because of some language, my parents tell me I would watch this movie at least once a week when I was a kid. I remember being mesmerized by the fast pace and awesome soundtrack, and probably watched the two sequels as often as the original. This is one that has stood up to the test of time and I’ll be playing for my own kids someday (when they are a little older than 5 years old, so they won’t be calling me a Butthead.)

Bartender: Taylor Pratt
Born in: 1983
Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Released in: 1990

When I was growing up the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon was THE thing to be watching. I would always pretend to be Donatello while my brother was Leonardo and we’d fight crime in the basement. When this movie came out we were floored and fell in love with it and its sequels! Ninja, ninja RAP!

Bartender: Kyle
Born in: 1983
Movie: Hook
Released in: 1991

Ru-fi-ooooooooooooooooooooo. With an all-star cast and crew in this early 90’s family blockbuster, director Steven Spielberg took on the childhood classic, and lended it some modern storyline twists. This time around, the work-obsessed, aging, Robin Williams plays Peter Banning, who can’t find time for family or fairytales. But throughout the story, he must reconnect with his childhood to save his family and the fantasy land he once refused to believe in. Growing up in a family of four with two brothers close in age when this movies was released, it didn’t take long for the brothers to become the lost boys, and the yard to become Neverland. My brother and I will still break this one out at times. I will definitely be passing this one on to my kids when they get a little older. Bangerang! (Oh God, I am a loser).

Bartender: Jaime Parker
Born in: 1984
Movie: Annie
Released in: 1982

This is such a hard choice because I have always been such a movie fanatic. When I was little I loved every movie from the Disney princess movies to The Goonies. BUT if I had to choose, I would say that Annie was one of my top favorites as a child. I loved the story and probably watched it 100 times. A plucky orphan girl, Annie is chosen to live with the richest man in the city, Mr. Warbucks. At first, he only wants to ‘adopt’ for a week as a publicity stunt, but soon Annie wins his heart and he adopts her for real. The story is heartwarming and the music was so catchy that I was singing along every time. Who doesn’t love the song “Tomorrow”? Not to mention some fabulous performances by Carol Burnett (Miss Hannigan) and Albert Finney (Daddy Oliver Warbucks). Annie was one of those movies that the whole family enjoyed and could watch together.

Bartender: Katrina
Born in: 1985
Movie: The Adventures of Milo and Otis
Released in: 1986 in Japanese and 1989 in English

As a small child I thought this movie was called “My Little Notice.” It was not, but it was a huge staple of my childhood. This movie is about a cat and a dog who are best friends and go on many adventures. There are no humans in the movie, but supporting characters are a fox, a pig, a turtle, and many others. I actually have a copy of the movie and watched it in preparation for this. I have determined it is still a fantastic movie (minus the rather graphic dog and cat birth scenes, a little more than I wanted to see). I plan on giving a copy to my animal loving niece!

Bartender: Jenny Trotter
Born in: 1981
Movie: Alice in Wonderland (Disney animated version)
Released in: 1951

I just remember sitting with my sister on the floor in the living room of our house in California, beach towels spread out, having a picnic of McDonald’s chicken nugget Happy Meals and watching this movie over and over again. We had an old copy, recorded off of the Disney channel, which we wore out completely. Still to this day that is one of my favorite movies

Bartender: Jonnie Urban
Born in: 1987
Movie: Wizard of Oz
Released in: 1939

My favorite movies growing up were the ones that I watched the most; usually after coming home from climbing trees, fishing, playing parking lot baseball, and of course swimming in the neighborhood pool (sometimes all in the same day). Homeward Bound, The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, and of course Aladin were my idea of the perfect early evening accompaniment to such a taxing afternoon. I reveled in the heartwarming stories of romance and adventure found in almost all Disney movies while enjoying my crust-less PB&J with a glass of freshly made chocolate milk, compliments of my doting parents. But my all time favorite childhood movie would have to be The Wizard of Oz because I still watch it in childlike awe about once a month. It reminds me of the first time I sat down with my family to watch how Dorethy longed for her family so much that she never gave up in her pursuit of her verson of “home”. Beautiful message and one-of-a-kind music and style.

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What is Your Favorite Movie from Your Childhood

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Each week, the bartenders will be asked a very vague and general question about a random topic. We’d all like to THINK we’re experts on everything, but the fact is we’re all a bunch of normal people with our own opinions. If you don’t like our answers, let us know in the comment section (especially Jonnie for not giving a real answer).

Bartender: Joshy C.
Favorite Song: Tonight, Tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins
Release Date: 1996

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was the first CD I ever purchased when I was 13 years old and I got my first DiscMan. You remember those, right? You had to hold them really still or else they’d skip like crazy. This is pre-iPod, for all you young people out there. Anyways, this song has been my favorite since I first heard it. A heavy metal band by their nature, the Smashing Pumpkins ditched their electric guitars and incorporated such a unique orchestral soundtrack that if it weren’t for Billy Corgan’s whiny-sounding vocals, you wouldn’t recognize the band. Not to be outdone, the music video for Tonight, Tonight, based on the 1902 silent film A Trip To The Moon, has won critical acclaim and is still considered one of the greatest music videos of all time.

Bartender: Jaime Parker
Favorite Song: Karma Police by Radiohead
Release Date: 1997

I remember being in the mist of the extreme pop music craze in the mid-90’s. I was obsessed. After all, Ace of Base was coolest tape to have in my fourth grade class. I remember hearing Radiohead’s “Karma Police” (from 1997’s Ok Computer) and thinking that it was the greatest song that I had ever heard. It was haunting, it was beautiful and I wanted to listen to it a million times over again. To this day, it is still a song that I can listen to and never get tired of. Radiohead came up with the title because they used to joke between one another that they would call “the karma police” on them if they did something wrong. No matter how many times I listen to it, I can always find something new in the lyrics.

Bartender: Taylor Pratt
Favorite Song: Dizzy (Acoustic Version) by Jimmy Eat World
Release Date: 2007

In my opinion, the acoustic version of Jimmy Eat World’s “Dizzy” is one of the best songs ever written. I have to specify the acoustic version because it has slightly different lyrics than the normal version. I think Dizzy is a song that everyone can relate to. The lyrics are so poetic and tell the story of a guy and girl who are in love with each other, but they haven’t come out and said it. The girl in the song is hesitant to do so because she has been hurt before, but the guy is tired of being lead on. My favorite line in the song is a question that almost every relationship starts with. It’s the butterfly feelings you get when you like someone. The question is, “do you hear the conversation we talk around?” On the last verse you can really hear the passion in both the lyrics and vocals. Hands down my favorite song.

Bartender: Katrina
Favorite Song: Effington, Ben Folds
Release Date: 2008

When this question was first posed I had no idea what my answer would be – then I saw Ben Folds play with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra this past Saturday and I found my answer. Folds was on his way to a gig once when he passed the town of Effingham. He thought it was Effington, and he wrote a song about it. One of my favorite things about Ben Folds is that he is a great pianist with an AMAZING sarcastic sense of humor, and this song fits that bill perfectly. Maybe I should start a new Effing life in Effington!

Bartender: Kyle Jones
Favorite Song: Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World — by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (not kidding, really his name)
Release Date: 1993

OK, so this might sound like a stretch for the best song in the past 15 years (not to mention that it wasn’t actually released in the past 15 years), but hear me out on this one. I think the true watermark of a great song shouldn’t just be judged on how it sounds. The measure of a great song to me comes in the intangibles. How does it make you feel when you hear it? What memories does it evoke? What picture is burned into your head that is so intimately connected with the sound that you can’t disconnect the two? I chose this medley of two American classics in authentic Hawaiian style for the memories. Isreal or “IZ” as he’s known in his native Hawaii, is a cultural icon in the state. I am one of the lucky people in this country to have grown up with family in HI, and I have been fortunate enough to have visited several times. Some of my fondest memories take me back to the islands. I chose this song because of the way it transports me. In the first few gentle strums of the ukulele, I can smell the hibiscus. The cool ocean breeze blows across Makena Beach, past my cheeks and up the slopes of Haleakala. The sun sets over Lahaina Bay, and I am there. As for the fact that it wasn’t released in the last 15 years…well, it was re-released on a hits compilation in 2001. If that’s not good enough, I plea no contest.

Bartender: Jonnie
Favorite Song: See Below…

Asking someone like me what their favorite song would be is like asking who your favorite family member is or what’s your favorite dessert? Too many possibilities come to mind. There is something to admire about so many songs, I find it impossible to even pick just one genre let alone one artist. My favorites rang from Bryan Adams’ Everything I do, OAR’s Black Rock and I Feel Home, Selina’s Dreaming of you or Biddi Biddi Bom Bom, to Etta James, Aretha Franklin and countless church hymns. Added to my insanely long list would be any Alicia Keys and Rob Thomas songs, and Shaggy, yes even many country songs old and new, Ella Fitgerald, Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, and of course Michael Bubble and Harry Conick Jr. oh and Diana Krall. But my first cassette tape was Big Willie Style by Will Smith and my first CD’s were The Spice Girls and 98 Degrees and they will always hold a spot in my heart. In conclusion, I can’t choose. At the end of the day, my favorite song is whatever I’m in the mood for and what speaks to me at that specific moment.

If you’d like to submit a question for the bartender, contact Joshy C at cortinajd1@gmail.com.

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What is the Best Song from the Past 15 Years?

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Director: Robert D. Siegel
Starring: Patton Oswalt
Running Time: 90 Minutes
How I Found It: Netflix Live Streaming
Released: August 2009
Josh’s Rating: 5/10

We all know the die-hard sports fan that would rather miss the birth of their first born child than miss their favorite team’s season opener. Big Fan is a movie that focuses on the life of Paul Aufiero, a 36-year-old NY Giants fan living in Staten Island in his mother’s house. He spends his nights as a parking garage attendant writing scripts for his daily 1am phone-ins to a sports talk radio show, where he considers himself a celebrity.

One night he follows the Giant’s quarterback, Quantrell Bishop, with his best friend Sal (Kevin Corrigan) to a strip club, where he is viciously beaten by the football player. He is then faced with the dilemma of pressing charges and putting the star behind bars for years, or keeping his mouth shut and doing what is best for the team. Throughout the movie, symptoms and consequences from the beating drive Paul deeper and deeper into depression and family intervention, as he continues to support the team and player he loves instead of facing the reality of what occurred.

How far would you go if your loyalty was tested? Paul is a child in a man’s body, who has refused to grow up and get a life of his own. He is a man with undeniable passion, but no purpose. He has built his entire identity and life around a sports team. When money and justice are offered, he chooses what’s best for the Giants and not his own well-being, alienating his family and destroying his own life.

While I love the premise for this film, the movie comes up short, and it’s hard to put my finger on why. The movie tries to be artistic, with frequent dream sequences of a silhouette of Quantrell Bishop dripping sweat and breathing heavy, to symbolize the burden that Paul bears. This movie was so close to being great that it’s disappointing that they fell short. While the movie interjected a little humor throughout, I feel it might have been better as a comedy than a serious drama. There are plenty of spots where it drags and I found myself bored. The acting was excellent, and that’s what really gets you through the movie.

If you are a sports fan and an independent movie lover, this is for you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it.

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I am a firm believer in Suspension of Disbelief when it comes to movies and television shows. Sometimes, you just have to buy the fact that Jack Bauer drove 20 miles through LA during a commercial break when there were only a couple cars on the road in the middle of rush hour for some reason. Or when the team transporting Harvey Dent in Dark Knight just happens to take the exact route that the Joker planned on, and a helicopter flew at the exact altitude on the exact street that two thugs shot a wire to destroy it. And the bomb inside the schizophrenic was just powerful enough to kill or disable all the cops in the precinct and leave the Joker and the accountant perfectly fine.

These things I can forgive. When you’re trying to tell a story in only 42 minutes during a TV show, or in a 2 hour movie, the audience is expected to allow a little leeway. Developing characters and pacing the plot are difficult to do with a limited time frame, and sometimes certain details need to be left out and events need to be stretched to bend reality.

However, the Suspension of Disbelief does NOT apply to musicians.

When you write a 4 minute song, you should be telling a story. A song is just poetry set to music. But a lot of time we get lost in the sound and don’t really pay attention to the words that are being spoken. A nice voice, good beat, or great instrumentals can all be used to distract the listener into bobbing their head to absolute garbage.

The reason for this rant came when I ran out to get gas in my car today. My radio was on a pop music station, and a Timbaland and Justin Timberlake song came on called Carry Out.

The first half of the song gives us a few gems by Timbaland:

-”Baby, you’re lookin’ fire hot. I’ll have you open all night like an IHOP.”

-”You look good, baby must taste heavenly. I’m pretty sure that you got your own recipe.”

-”Let me get my ticket baby, let me get in line. I can tell the way you like it, baby, supersized.”

I feel like a bunch of frat guys were sitting in McDonalds and wrote down as many sexual innuendos as they could, using fast food allegory. Timbaland grabbed the napkin after they left, and used them in a song. I guess he must have used up all the ways to brag about his manhood and performing fellatio in his other songs that he considered this fresh material.

I’d like to say this is as bad as it gets in the song, but then we’re treated to some great lines by Justin Timberlake:

-”Do you like it well done? Cause I do it well. Cause I’m well seasoned, if you couldn’t tell.”

-”I could feed you, you could feed me. Girl, deliver that to me, come see me.”

-”Take my order cause your body like a carry out. Let me walk into your body till you hear me out.”

That first line I actually find sort of clever. He’s experienced, and uses “seasoned” to describe himself. There’s some word play here that is somewhat acceptable. But those last two lines drive me nuts. First off, when you have to rhyme a word with the SAME word, you have issues. Secondly, can someone explain to me what he’s even trying to say here? If it’s a euphemism for sex, then…wow. We have really run out of creativity.

So what is really going on in this song? I picture these guys in a Burger King and see a girl at the counter that they thought was cute, and decide to try out all these cheesy and horrible pick up lines on her. That’s really the only explanation I have for this. I also see the girl telling her manager that there are some sick perverts harassing her. After the manager asks these gentlemen politely to leave, they refuse, and the police are called to remove them from the building. Their pictures are taken and placed on the wall under the “do not serve these people” sign.

This is an awesome post from The Tipping Glass

The Worst Song I’ve Ever Heard…So Far

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I saw a great t-shirt the other day that said: If Jack Had His Way, The Show Would Be Called 12.

24 premiered its eighth season with 4 episodes over two nights, and it did not disappoint. I promise I will not give away too many spoilers, as I’m sure there are some people waiting to watch the whole season straight through on a rainy Saturday when it comes out on DVD.

While the tired formula might have caused some viewers to give up on the writers, I must say, each season they get the most out of that formula, and for good reason. There will always be the “traitor right in front of our eyes” and the “there’s another bad guy above this one pulling the strings” and “Holy Crap! He just cut off that guy’s hand!!!” and “OMG I can’t believe they killed off that main character!!!!” But for some reason, to me at least, it never gets old.

I know a lot of people who have seen a few episodes or seasons and brush the show off as unrealistic and ridiculous. These things couldn’t possibly happen. They’re not allowed to torture people! A nuke went off in LA?? Jack kills 4 people with nothing but a ball-point pen??? Come on.

But I will argue that the reason 24 is such an awesome, successful show, is BECAUSE it’s unrealistic and ridiculous. Of course Jack can’t drive 20 miles in a 3 minute commercial break. Of course he can’t take a torture session that kills him, only to be revived with shock paddles, only to wake up and kill his captors and stop the bio-weapon from going off an hour later. In the 3rd episode this season, he takes a 15 minute beating while tied up in a chair before escaping. 10 minutes later, there is no sign at all that he was just spitting up blood.

Like with Avatar, you have to put aside certain expectations. The “events occur in real time” is a gimmick. It sets the pace. It makes everything rush rush rush we gotta hurry to solve the problem. It creates structure. And I do a shot every time I hear a bad guy say, “It will go down before the hour is out.”

So when you watch 24, put it all in the back of your mind. Enjoy Jack slamming a fire axe into a guy’s chest and throwing the other guy with a machine gun down a flight of stairs. Don’t think too much when Chloe has a cover story for two people going undercover in 20 minutes prep time. And certainly don’t watch two episodes back to back and hope that the time between the clock striking zero at the end of last episode will line up with the events that happen at the beginning of the new episode.

Just enjoy it.

This is an awesome post from The Tipping Glass

Why 24 Is Awesome

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