Extended Family
In 2009 there were four marriages in my family. Me, my brother, my Uncle and my cousin. Not only did we add four new members of the family, but we also added their family dynamics. For me and my brother, we both married people who live in different states than our family (I live out of town as well). My Uncle became an instant step-father and grandfather when he got married, adding on a whole different dynamic of it’s own.
This got me to thinking. When does the make up of your, “extended family,” change? My parents consider their siblings and parents to be their extended family, and each other and their children to be their immediate family, but I still consider my parents and brothers to be my immediate family. When does that change? Should it already be the case? Does it change once we all have kids?
The issue is that by adding more people we are adding more familial obligations and eventually something is going to need to give. Living rooms aren’t going to be big enough for everyone at birthday parties. Dining room tables aren’t big enough for everyone to eat. But we continue to add chairs and people and eventually we’re going to spill out onto the street.
Additionally, eventually there just won’t be enough time for all the events that an expanding extended family presents. By the time June is over, my husband and I have had over 18 birthdays in our “extended family.” These are people for whom we’ve bought gifts and, much of the time, attended parties for. This year we will be celebrating at least three Christmases. My immediate and extended family and my husband’s immediate family are all events which are planned. However, we will end up with at least one if not two or three other occasions to celebrate with his extended family.
We love all the people on both sides, but it is getting to the point that it is a bit much. I’d love to hear from others how this change happened in your family. Was it organic? Were feelings hurt? Did someone bring it up for discussion? Where do we go from here?
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One Comment
Couple of thoughts. First with definition of immediate family. When you get married, there are only 2 in a household, so you include your siblings and parents still in your immediate family to make for a fuller family. However, when you start adding children, I think is when that dynamic changes.
As for all the get togethers and buying gifts, some of that depends on the closeness that is maintained. Sometimes when someone gets married, the spouse does not desire to be close, or distance prevents attendance at all the events planned. I think changes usually occur when someone speaks up and expresses an opinion other than what has been the status quo. Other members will agree or disagree, but that will start the ball rolling for change. As long as you can afford it, I would err on the side of inclusion as inclusion makes people feel better than excluding them. If finances are tight, buy a smaller gift. If a house is small, opt for the person with the larger house if possible. People don’t often remember specifically a gift as much as they remember that you remembered them. Getting together as a family should bring joy. When it becomes a hassle, motives should be examined, and changes should be made.