If there is one thing that drives me absolutely crazy, it’s idiot drivers. They ruin everything. They slow down my commute, they cause accidents and they almost kill me a few times a week. Do us all a favor, read this guide and stop driving like an idiot. Oh, and once you have – send this to all your friends so they’ll stop driving like idiots too. Thanks!

Put Your God Damned Phone Down

Look, I get it. You’re busy. You think that by multitasking while you drive, you’ll get some extra time back in you day. Well I’ve got news for you: you can’t fucking do it! You can’t. As much as you try, you end up slowing down, changing lanes without looking and you almost hit every person and car around you. Like Ellen DeGeneres said, “If it requires your eyes, feet and hands to do something, it’s generally a good idea to include your brain in on it too.” If you still have to be on the phone, at least get a Bluetooth so you’ll be slightly more aware.

Stop Being a Dick and Let Me Over

Do you really think that by not letting me merge onto the highway you are somehow saving yourself hours in your commute? When one of the lanes is suddenly closed, would it really kill you to allow me to merge into your lane? Why do you have to be such a dick and think that I am not worthy of merging into traffic? Do us all a favor, quit being a douche-bag and allow the person to merge into your lane. It will speed traffic up, cause fewer accidents and you won’t get the bird as often.

Look Away From the Light

I know flashy red and blue lights are distracting, but when they have someone pulled over or there is an accident, you don’t need to slow 40-50 mph below the speed limit just so you can see what happened. All you are doing is causing unnecessary roadblocks that may very well be preventing emergency services from doing their job. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely think you should slow down to show some caution, but not to the point where you get a good 10-15 second look at the fender bender on the side of the road!

No More Texas Exits

A Texas exit is when you are in the passing lane of a 2+ lane highway and you decide you want to exit just as the exit approaches. Even if you were in the regular lane this is an idiot move. Texas drivers routinely cross multiple lanes of traffic at the last second to barely make an exit. Either pay attention to what you are doing or take the next exit, turn around and get where you need to go the safe way. I should my life be threatened because you are an idiot and weren’t paying attention.

At Least Go the Speed Limit

I have no idea why you feel the need to go 10mph under the speed limit. Maybe you hate your family and don’t want to go home. Maybe you just don’t care how long it takes you to get somewhere. I don’t know. What I do know is, I don’t give a shit so at least drive the fucking speed limit! I do have some place to be, and I do want to get there before the next Presidential election. So quit being such a selfish prick and speed up!

For the Love of God, Use Your Turn Signal

I know it takes a ton of effort to flip your blinker on, and I don’t want to strain you, but believe or not – I’m not clairvoyant. I have no idea that you are about to turn into that gas station and it is ok for me to turn onto the main highway. I have no idea that in the next 10 yards you plan to turn. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it: you don’t need to come to a complete STOP in order to turn. If you’re going to turn, then TURN! Is it really that hard? That’s what she said.

I have about 10 more things you can do to stop driving like an idiot, but I worry that if I tell you them all now, nothing will change. Take these six pieces of advice and do the world a favor: follow them. In the words of the great George Carlin: Anyone who drives slower than me is an idiot, and anyone who drives faster than me is a maniac. Truer words have never been spoken.

This is an awesome post from The Tipping Glass

The All-Inclusive Guide to Not Driving Like an Idiot

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3. Don’t Drown, Turn Around

If you flipped on the weather channel or the Today Show in the past few days, you may have seen that Pittsburgh got hammered with rain on Wednesday evening. When normal downpours happen during the summer, they usually last about 10 minutes then turn into a small drizzle.

Wednesday was like God turned on a shower for 4 hours.

Unfortunately I was caught driving through this while the radio warned of tornadoes, gale-force winds, and flash flooding. “Don’t Drown, Turn Around” is their favorite catch-phrase during times like this. What, like it’s not raining behind me? I’ll just turn my car around and there won’t be any rain or flooded roads the way I came?

I also love how they chastise people for driving through this kind of weather. On TV they’ll show cars floating in 2 feet of water and make snide remarks about how he shouldn’t have been driving in the first place. Well how about with all those millions of dollars worth of equipment, you give us a little WARNING when shit like this is going to happen! The forecast for Wednesday was a 20% chance of thunderstorms.

AND WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING THAT POOR GUY IN HIS CAR FLOATING DOWN THE STREET???

I don’t get angry very often. But weather and sports are probably the only two professions that you can be wrong 90% of the time, and still keep your job. When it comes to sports, who cares? Unless you’re gambling your mortgage payment on a game, it’s just entertainment. But weather affects a lot people when you’re wrong, and weathermen are wrong way too often.

The only thing worse than a weatherman screwing up is hearing a dozen times from old lady coworkers about how intense that storm was the other night. I’d rather be sitting in my car floating down the highway.

This is an awesome post from The Tipping Glass

Don’t Drown, Turn Around

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1. The All-Inclusive Guide to Not Driving Like an Idiot
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You know who has the worst fans in the league? Your city. The team you root for has THE WORST fans in the league. Bunch of whiny babies. All of them. When your team wins, your fans act like classless jerks as if they’ve never won anything before in their lives. When they lose, better stock up on the pacifiers because the streets are going to be flooded with tears.

Every year. After the Super Bowl. After the Stanley Cup Finals. After the World Series. After the NBA Finals, even during the regular season, we have to read these puff pieces from bloggers, or even esteemed journalists who point fingers at the opposing city’s fans as if they are the only classless fans in the world. Year after year after year after year after year after year after year.

I love following a blogger throughout the playoffs seeing them whine off and on constantly about calls, hits, checks, tackles, fouls, whistles or no whistles. Then, when their team wins, the floodgates open and they attack the other city’s fans like it’s their business. Classy. But you know what. It happens. Every. Year. We have to read about it. Every. Year.

On the cab ride on the way home from watching Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals with a bunch of awesome, fun, exciting, friendly, knowledgeable, personable, douchebaggy, whiny, bitchy, mean, harsh, balls-to-the-wall diehard fellow Red Wings fans, I got to talking with the cab driver. I told him I was down because the team I root for, the team I am a fan of, lost in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. His response, in a chillingly Jeff Bridges sounding voice:

And I quote:

“Fuck it dude.You’re a fan. You’re sitting in the back of the car, all broken up, may have a heart attack over this. Those guys you root for every other night? They’re millionaires. Do you think they give a fuck about you?”

He was right, for 2 reasons.

For one that, as spectators, we control nothing, and those who are actually playing the games could give a damn about us.

Secondly, as fans sometimes we become selfish and think we are part of the team. We think, I mean, WE KNOW we are the reason they are successful. When they lose, we feel like we are personally responsible for the loss. And in case we don’t feel that way, we’ll have fans from the winning side remind us that yes, as a fan of the losing team, you ARE in fact personally responsible. For every move. For every call. For every hit. For every check. For every tackle. For every foul. For every whistle.

Fans will be fans. Every team has “good” fans. Every team has “bad” fans. Fans aren’t like assholes. Fans are assholes. And everyone has them.

This is an awesome post from The Tipping Glass

Worst Fans in the League

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